Uncomfortably Raw

Firstly, this is not a sympathy post. I am just putting my thoughts on this blog. This blog may be harder for me to write since it is more personal emotions I don't verbally say often.

Lately, I have had more friends get into serious relationships or get engaged. I am very happy for them since I love them and I want the best for them. I watched them in the beginning stages of their relationships, watched them fall in love and then get engaged. They tell me about their proposal stories and have this glow about them as they talk about future wedding plans. As they talk about their wedding plans, they ask me about what I want. It's fun to fake plan your wedding but then the thought comes "Will it ever happen to me?". I know there are many girls in my position and I am not along in asking this question. This question brings you to a vulnerable place that feels uncomfortable. 

It is so easy to compare yourself to others and think it is due to something you are lacking. I wonder sometimes if there is anything wrong with me, if I'm not good enough, attractive, smart...(the list continues). The longer I go into this thought process the more I realize how unproductive it is. But how do you turn this thought process off to carry on with optimism? 

The older I get, the more adults I socialize with because of work and my church responsibilities. Especially in the past year, I interact with more adults than people my age. Most of them are married and have children. During our discussions, their children and families are the primary subject. As I hear them talk about their families, I am reminded of how I want to settle down and have my own family. Previously, I wanted it but I wasn't emotionally ready to make that type of commitment. Now that I feel like I am in a good place and I am ready to establish a serious relationship and see that it is not happening, it becomes discouraging. 

I can't complain that people have never shown interest in me, but dating is such a complicated process that you really have to find someone is compatible with you. Both parties have to be on the same page, which is the trickiest part. You can find yourself emotionally and physically attracted to someone but they have to be able to respond the same way to move forward! I have found myself in too many relationships where we haven't been on the same page and it leads to some relationship where both people have no idea what is happening and they are trying to read each others minds (which doesn't work). I have found too many guys who want to have fun but have a fear of commitment and once it gets to the point to discuss the next steps in the relationship, they are out. 

I try to combat the negative emotions with positive ones as I patiently wait. This waiting process isn't exactly fun though. I fill my time up with good things and don't get me wrong..I have fun! I enjoy traveling, spending time with friends and family. I love my job as I have said in previous posts. Still I feel that desire to settle down. The longer I wait for a relationship to form, the harder is to maintain optimism. At the end of the day, I want to marry my best friend. Simple as that. 


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