Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

I am trying to better understand the concept of "divorce". I had a friend tell me that his parents were getting divorced after 22 years of marriage. I looked at him and didn't know what to say. How do you console someone who is experiencing that? " Well, I am sorry that you have to move out of your house because your parents are getting divorced"? "I am sorry that your dad won't be in your life anymore". I mean there are so many consequences on the children that occur from divorce. It is hard for children to really understand the consequences of divorce.

I can't even imagine being in the position of getting divorced. You always imagine your wedding day as the happiest in your life. Every chick flick ends with the wedding dress and wedding kiss. A happily ever after. What people don't realize that what is really the most important is what happens after the wedding day when it is daily life activities and rituals. 

The scary thing about marriage is that it is all about trust. I trust that my future husband will treat me well. Couples have faith that their relationship will last throughout through out all time. They don't know with 100% certainty that their marriage will be happy and "successful". You know the song, "when I fall in love". It is one of my favorites, got to love Nat King Cole. But in the song, he says, "when I fall in love, it will be forever". I am pretty sure that when couples get married, they have that same desire. They want their happiness and love to last forever. 

What happens in the sequence from "it will be forever" to "until we run out of money" or "until I find a more attractive companion"? There are so many events that can lead to divorce that it is so complicated to understand. How does a couple remain married for 22 years and then decide to divorce? There are so many silly and serious reasons to answer this question. When I was coding marriage and family therapy videos, I saw common problems that lead to thoughts of divorce. 

• Pornography. I would say this is the number one reason. It is so sad. Seeing the reality of pornography in families and individuals is devastating. I could write a lot about pornography, but the thing I learned was that is it is the "black plague". It is the one of the worst things that can affect marriage. 
• Communication problems. Nobody is heard. Nobody is validated. Why even try to talk when my spouse won't even listen? There are so many communication problems. The good thing is that communication problems can be worked through if both parties are willing to work and change. 
• Affairs. Saddest thing to watch a spouse weep all because their partner had an affair. "Am I not attractive enough"?  "Did I not fulfill your needs"? "Have we lost the excitement in our marriage completely"? These are the questions among many that are asked after an affair has occured. 
• "I don't love him/her anymore". All the things that brought the couple together are lost. this one is difficult because like the song, "we can learn to love again". Making the decision to love again is the first step. Then comes all the hard work. 
• Family Difficulties. Families with autistic children have a extremely high divorce rate. Why do families with difficult children/situations have higher divorce rates? The stress in the relationship is high. It is hard to experience joy and love when there is high tension and stress. 
• "I fell in love with the idea of him". That is a hard one to handle as well. You can fall in love with the idea of someone and realize that it wasn't what it thought it was going to be. 
• "We are different people now then when we were younger". People change and sometimes people don't change. If one spouse is changing and the other isn't, it is difficult. It can work in the reverse way as well. 

There are so many more things that I could write about from the videos I watched. I don't know what my point is in this blog, but I am trying to understand divorce. Preventing divorce is the primary effort of a marriage and family therapist. There are of course instances where divorce is the best option. For example, cases that include emotional/physical abuse, affairs and rape. Each case is looked at individually to see what is best for the couple and family unit. It is not a easy situation to be in when debating whether or not divorce is the best option. 

But, I guess my point is in this blog is for couples to ask, "is it the best decision to call the whole thing off?" Let's not take the decision to divorce lightly. Even though it may seem like is the easy way out, there are so many consequences that come from this decision. I am not a marriage expert. I am not even married. I just have seen a lot of couples on the "brink" of divorce. I have seen the heartbreak that comes from planning a divorce. I have seen the joy of reuniting after contemplating divorce. I have seen the relief of getting out of a bad marriage. Whatever is the right decision for you, make sure that you make this decision very seriously.