If you don't love someone, try again.

The last couple of months have been really interesting as I have learned something important that can apply to everyone. We can't make everyone love us because it is impossible. We won't all be best friends, but can we? I used to think this, but lately I have learned something revolutionary.

The stem of this lesson was when I interviewed people for my anthropology paper about altruism and brutality. I loved doing this because everyone had different opinions on the subject matter that opened up my eyes to how we are different. Like my last post, we are different for a reason. We are different to learn from each other. In this context, we are different and we may not get along. Is this a bad thing? No, I don't think so. It is natural that there will be disagreements between people. I want to argue that if we don't love someone, then we aren't understanding that person. If we try to understand other people, at least we gain mutual respect as we understand the ground that they are coming from. Each person comes from various family backgrounds. Families bring different assumptions, values, beliefs and ways of doing things. Just because someone has a contrasting way of life, doesn't mean we can't gain a respect for them in some sort. I understand that there are some cases that are extreme. I can't really gain respect for Hitler. I can try to understand his background, intentions and motivations.

So, this post is about the important of understanding during conflict. If we simply move past our own pride and try to understand where someone else is coming from, we may grow and gain respect for others. Here are some quotes that I found beneficial when trying to understand others.

-“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” C.G Jung.
I truly believe this. When someone rubs in you the wrong way, it may be that they bring out a different side of you that you haven't been exposed to. I know that this sounds "freudian" as there are subconscious sides of us that may be repressed. For example, if someone has a specific gift or talent, that we are privately anxious about, it may rub us the wrong way. Our insecurities may come out from our interactions with that person simply because they have that talent. This is just one case example, for there are many other examples.

-“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” -Marie Curie.
This one brings up a similar point. When we talk to others, they may bring insecurities up that makes us fearful. We then may not like that person, because our fears become more apparent. What do we when have fear? I like this approach when we experience fear, we try to understand more. In a gospel setting, this is extremely applicable. When we experience fear, maybe the best solution is more understanding in god's plan for us. Praying to God for him to remove the trial may not the best solution. We may just need more understanding that God loves us and is watching over us.

-"Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never lead to hate and almost always leads to love.” - John Steinback
I love this quote as it shows that it is possible to love everyone. When we think of Heaven, I don't think that there will be hatred between neighbors. We will live eternally in joy in our relationships. This means that all the backstabbing and nasty comments made on Earth will be forgiven. If we don't like someone, try to understand them better. Maybe understanding their point of view, will encourage a sense of service and love that was never there before. Not to be cheesy and include Disney, Beauty and the Beast is a perfect example of this. Belle didn't understand the beast. She thought he was a hateful man who was full of self-interest. The more she served him and asked him questions about himself, their friendship evolved and lead into love. We may not fall madly in love with someone we hate, but we may have mutual understanding and respect. I love this quote in that "knowing a man will never lead to hate and almost always lead to love". So, do you now like someone at the current moment? Serve them with all of your heart. Serving someone you hate will probably be one of the hardest things you can do in your life, but it the most important thing you can do to learn to love. Think of Christ. He served those who hated him his whole life. They never came back to him and said, "We apologize for killing you, spitting on you, mocking you and publicly humiliating you". Yet, Christ still served them consistently with a intent to show his love to them. Most Christians have a purpose of life to learn to accept and become like Christ. By understanding our enemies, we will become more like Christ than any other action (in my opinion).

“I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me.” -Hermann Hesse
This quote explains the importance of listening when trying to understand. Often we are listening, we are not listening. We have our own agenda we are pushing in the back of mind. For example, a friend is apologizing to us. We pretend we are listening but in the back of our mind, we are thinking "she is lying". This thought is distracting us so we are actually not paying attention to the message our friend is sharing with us. So, learning how to effectively listen is so important and key to understanding. In my opinion, becoming a effective listener is a lifetime skill that we will constantly have to work on. I like this quote because it talks about not seeking, but simply listening to the "blood [that] whispers to me". I don't mean literally listen to your blood, but use your intuition when you are listening. Pay attention to body language, tone, pauses, facial expressions and volume. Be cued into the other person.

-“Don't you understand that we need to be childish in order to understand? Only a child sees things with perfect clarity, because it hasn't developed all those filters which prevent us from seeing things that we don't expect to see.” -Douglas Adams
Just like Christ said, become as a little child. Children can be evil in my eyes sometimes, but for the most part they are sweetest things on this planet. They don't have a filter that interrupts our listening. They have a pure intent when talking with others. Become like a child.

-“Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquility and happiness we all seek.” -Dalai Lama
I agree completely that truly being happy is learning how to be compassionate and understanding. These two skills bring the greatest joy as they make our relationships more enjoyable. Imagine being married someone who was ignorant to your needs because he wouldn't listen? I am not trying to make this gender specific, by the way. Once you obtain and further develop these skills, your life will be changed for the better.

-“I call him religious who understands the suffering of others.” -Mahatma Gandhi
I do believe that being understanding is a godly quality. If God wasn't understanding, then he wouldn't be a God. He would be judgmental and not give us any mercy. None of us would return back to him, therefore God must be understanding.

-“Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult than tIt io understand him.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Like I said before, it is the hardest thing to try to understand your enemy. On the contrast, it is the most noble thing to do as a human.

-“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.”-Albert Einstein
This man is a genuis, therefore we should listen to him.

-“Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so.” -Lemony Snicket
I have been in certain situations when I don't believe others because it is not consistent with my point of view. So, what? Just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean that they are wrong.

-“Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart one who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them.” -Marvin J Ashton
It's the boy scout theme. Leave the place better than you found it. Leave people uplifted from you knowing them.

-“If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.” -Elbert Hubbard

-“…she eventually forgave him, because she understood him.” -Whittney Otto
I completely agree. Forgiveness stems from understanding. If we don't understand someone, it is nearly impossible to forgive them. This is why Christ was able to forgive those who killed him, he understood them. "They know now what they do". He knew their intentions of their hearts. We are not Gods, so we can't fully ready someone's heart and thoughts. We can try.

-“I write to understand as much as to be understood.” -Elie Wiesel
It is one of the seven principles: Seek to understand, not to be understood.

-“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” -Ralph G. Nichols

-“Before you hate something you should try to understand it.” -Martha Grimes

Sorry, this post is really long. I just learned a lot recently and wanted to share with you what I have learned!